I'm still faking it

This post, written before Vaiva's Vilnius funeral, remains true.

It seems unlikely that one could go through two separate funerals, throw dirt on the lowered casket, have lunch with relatives afterward, and still be in denial about death. But at the emotional core, I am. Perhaps I have to be.

I am waiting. Stuff happens, I automatically think, "I'll have to mention that to Vaiva." I haven't cleaned her desk, or brought order to our bedroom, her clothing is where it was left the day I took her to the hospital with her "tummy hurts."

I am crying more frequently, almost randomly, perhaps that means something.

We both knew in 2007, when the cancer recurred, that it would end her life. We hoped it would take more than 16 months. But we did live "in the moments" as much as we could in her last year, which is why I have more photos of her then than from the many years of our marriage.

I have a couple steps coming up now. I have assembled a 45-minute DVD of photos and eulogies from the Vilnius funeral, which I've begun to mail out. If you would like one, please send me your home address at jbgust@aol.com.

I have to read all the condolences that came by snail mail, and begin to send thank you notes.

For the blog, my next steps are to post some photos from the California road trip Vaiva and I took in the summer of 2008, then post the individual photos that we displayed at the funerals. They were a terribly imperfect summary, but it was what we could do.